Valentine's Day is also National Organ Donor Day, which was created to discuss organ donation and transplants. I suppose the idea around this is to remind us on a day all about love, to give a little love to someone you don't know and will perhaps never meet. To give a gift with not much ego behind it after you have died. So I'd like to implore you, if you haven't already to commit to a daily "action" today -- and sign up to be an organ donor. Wherever you are in the world, just look up "how to become an organ donor" and the information about how to register should pop up. For those in the US and the UK, I have included links on how to sign up below (in a not-so-subtle ploy to get you to keep reading).
Last weekend, I had what could only be described as the blues accompanied by a vague feeling of sick I've become most accustomed to. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't put my finger on why. I blamed it, as I do almost everything, on the moon. It was about to be a full moon, which always affects me, but it was more than that. The week before I had remembered that it was going to be my one and a half year anniversary of my liver transplant, yet on the actual days, which fall on the 5th and 6th of the month (I went in on the 5th for the operation and was out in the early hours of the 6th -- so I have of course given myself two days to commemorate the occasion). I was so caught up in emotion that I didn't even think of it. Then, two days later I had a healing experience during a sound meditation in which I worked through a lot of pieces of my own particular puzzle and some surprising things came up. It was there that I remembered that it was my "transplantversary" and realized that this happens to me every month, to varying degrees of intensity, and every month I somehow don't remember when it's actually happening. I'm all "I wonder why I feel so crazy right now and am self sabotaging at every turn", and my liver is all "I wonder why Nora is such an idiot and never remembers this shit." I'm going to start putting an alarm on my phone so I know to warn all my loved ones and anyone in my immediate vicinity. During the sound bath I had a visceral memory come up of my best friend Karina rubbing my swollen feet--full of fluid from the operation.
Day-in, day-out, Karina would come to the hospital and take care of me. She would massage my feet to help alleviate the discomfort I felt, my skin taut from edema all over my body. After the hospital, she would come to my house and do it (amongst a whole host of other tasks both menial or otherwise. She was also a true advocate for me in hospital, when myself or my parents were unable to do it). It was a small act, but it took courage. It takes courage and bravery to show up for someone in that way, to look at someone's pain and then let love be a motivator and figure out a way to help, however small (or big as it often was with Karina). I haven't yet had the opportunity to write about her properly--just as I was getting to the point in the story where she figures so massively, I got sick again and could not tell it in the way I had planned or hoped to. That's how life works, best laid plans get totally driven off the rails regularly!
Sometimes it's difficult to put into words everything she has done for me, the task seems too large and the details too intimate. She rolled me out the hospital in a wheelchair after transplant, and came to my house everyday to take care of me, and my parents. She was constantly brainstorming ways in which she could help, get others to help and--the ultimate uphill battle--get me to help myself. She showed up with food when I could not eat, to normalize things. She told me I would feel normal one day because she knew it in her heart. She helped me believe I could walk, and she helped me then do it. She made me have goals and she helped me achieve them. In the sound bath last week, I flashed back to that image of Karina at the end of my hospital bed massaging my feet, and another of her doing it in my living room and again in my bedroom. Then another came up: I repeatedly would hear jazz music in my ear (think saxophone street performer), 80s hip hop too (think Eric B & Rakim's "Don't Sweat The Technique"), and I would always ask her whether she could hear it. I was convinced it was not a hallucination. "Do you hear that, K?" She would ask me to explain what I was hearing to her, with genuine interest, so she could understand. Then another image popped up: walking around the nurse's station with her hand in mine, she would say: "Just one more lap and then you can go back to bed." Of me hating her for it because it was too hard to walk. Of her buying deodorant and toothpaste and saying, "Don't forget to use those today." And me not understanding why at the time. She just wanted me to feel normal. When I was finally allowed to have a shower, after so many days, weeks, she was the one who helped me do it. She washed my hair for me. She brought really good smelling soap to make it as pleasant an experience as it could be, which it wasn't. But she made it so it was something to enjoy. These memories and so many more came flooding back and it hit me like a wall of pain and love.
I can walk now for as long as almost an hour without getting too tired. This is massive. I get tired, but I work through it so I can build up endurance. And I hear her voice in my head, and I keep going. I hear her saying "I'm coming over with bagels and cream cheese and then we can go on a walk!" or "Think about your next few goals and then we can go for one of them today!" She didn't care how small the goal was: as long as I still had them. One of the first ones was to feel the grass underneath my toes and the sun on my face after being in a hospital bed for so long. She made it her mission to get me there, and even though I could barely do it at the time and we probably only stayed outside for all of 30 minutes, we did it together. She pushed me along in my walker to Riverside Park, her small Colombian frame somehow strong and sturdy enough to hold the weight of me and push me there, which must be the Austrian mountain woman in her. It can't have been easy to do that, to show up for me in that way everyday for so long, especially when so often I would say no. I would fight her on so many things she suggested, because I had lost the willpower to go on or I just physically could not do it. She was always cheerful and positive for me in those early days, when all she wanted to do was cry. Later on, she cried with me, too. In my case, for such a long time, I didn't believe I could -- that maxim that we so often see floating around "She believed she could, so she did." Actually, a hell of a lot of other people believed I could, so I did. They held space for me for so long that now I do believe I can, so I keep going.
Beyond the emotion of all these thoughts and memories which so often wash over me and especially last week (which I find to be less troublesome and more inconvenient than anything), I was able to recognize how far I have come from those days when I had those swollen empanadas which I thought would never go back to normal. The weight of time spent recovering does sometimes tend to feel like a heavy chain around my neck. When I decide to look at it in a different light, rather than that of a weight upon me: I can see I am starting to really and truly show up for myself in the ways that matter, so that I can then be of service to others--eventually. And I am able to also recognize that I've made so much progress. And that the story, although still such a huge part of my life and day-to-day, does not own me.
I tell this small story about my friend K and her part in my recovery in relation to organ donation because I think it matters when it comes to being an organ donor. Think about something happening to your best friend, your sister, your daughter, your brother, your mother, your father, your cousin. Think about losing them. Think about what you would do to bring them back, if you could. Being able to give them a second chance. Think about all the people who would show up for you and how you would also show up for them. And having the opportunity to help them do that, by being an organ donor, and what a gift that would be. And although the road is long and shitty and also full of shit (not a metaphor), it's worth it. Even when a fascist becomes president. Even when the world is in a continued state of flux. Even when basic human rights are being infringed upon. Especially when human rights are being infringed upon. In those times, you have to hold on to love and small moments of joy to fill you up.
It really freaks me out sometimes, the fact that I have another person's organ in my body. Not my own. If I think about it a bit too much, it starts to feel like a sci-fi flick. Other times, I'm in awe of the miraculous nature of this surgery and inclined to honour my organ donor's life. It is important to be an organ donor, for every single person who values being of service to others (which should be all of us). In a time in which we are seeing so much hate and derision and we have been thrown into absolute chaos, it's such a simple thing to do but it can mean so much to so many. It's something we CAN have control over. We do not get to choose when we die, or how. That's the guarantee. We do get to choose how we act in this very moment. Valentine's Day can sometimes make those who are perhaps not in a *traditional* relationship feel a bit worthless. I am only human, and I admit, at certain moments today, I felt sorry for myself. But I heard something last week in a meditation class I went to. The teacher said "You know, meditation is a really badass thing to do. You're showing up for yourself. In a sense, it's dating yourself and getting to know yourself on an extremely intimate level. That's not always easy, because sometimes you see things that you didn't want to look at. But it's the most intimate and ultimately important relationship you can have." I like looking at meditation in that way, as fostering a relationship with yourself in the most intimate way possible. It's extremely empowering and sometimes ugly, because there are parts of oneself that are not pretty and most of us don't like to admit it.
If I can transform my self-pity and channel it into gratitude, I'm immediately given an opportunity to be grateful for my liver and my life, and my loved ones. And the fact that I can wake up and finally feel hungry and cook a breakfast for myself. And finally ride a bicycle. And finally walk around for longer than 10 minutes. And finally start to feel human again, and like a woman. And date myself. And eventually, through all of this daily learning, date someone else. But not right now, because I don't want to. The fact that I have been awarded this incredible opportunity is not lost on me. So during a time of absolute chaos, check that box on your license. Sign up online. Tweet it. Write it on a napkin. Text it to your family. Make your wishes be known. When you die, this will be a way you can have some agency about the way you live on in memory--which we all sort of want, at some level. If someone receives your liver, I promise you, they'll talk to you everyday. They'll feel you helping them to live, slowly. They'll sometimes hate you. You'll sometimes go underappreciated. You'll sometimes go unheard. You'll sometimes be anxious and unhappy. Sometimes blue. But you'll be loved and held in high regard. The same goes for kidney, pancreas, eyes, heart, lungs and blood. The list goes on. Even if it freaks you out, just don't think about it too much. Just sign up. I promise you, you won't regret it.
Sign up here, here or here. You can tweet about it with the hashtag #organdonor, simply by saying something like "I want to be an #organdonor." Or something more creative, if you're so inclined. Happy Valentine's Day <3. With that, I'm off to yoga, Karina's voice in my head.